I've been reading latley.

I picked up Tucker Max's second book recently, "Assholes Finish First" and I remember why he is one of my favorite authors. Reading a story by him is a lot like having a few drinks with a close friend catching up on old times.

As I am prone to I wanted to try my hand towards his literary style so with that I would love to tell all of you a fairly embarrassing story from my early days in life.

It is actually funny that Tucker should inspire me to sit down and write about a night he inspired me to create.

For this night I needed some close wing men and a location I wouldn't normally goo to, fortunately this was all close in hand. it was 2007 and we were in Perth Australia, at this point I was in the military and we were coming back from Iraq...


Up until this point my nights out with fellow service members involved me being the responsible one so they had fun, I was now in the mood of fuck that.


My friend Dirty (real name withheld) and I decided to rent a hotel room and prepare for the night. We stocked the hotel room for our entertainment that night, duct tape rope a bathtub full of ice and a machete, we were ready.

Now dirty was married and a standard tag team story seemed rather stupid and pointless, we were out for tears.

We immediately hit the bars. we started the night (at 3 in the afternoon) at Mustangs, fun bar but filled with military, we wanted someone for our entertainment that would not be able to identify us, so we moved after a few drinks to a little hole in the wall bar a few blocks away, no military so far so good.
We scope out what we have at the bar, a few college aged party girls doubtful but we can have some fun till we get what we want so we invite them over.

College Girl 1: (Sexy Australian accent) So are you guys with the ship.
Dirty : No were single.
College Girl 2: huh?
Me: Never mind, what do you guys do?
College Girl 2: We go to the university.
Me: What for?
College girl 1: School.
Dirty: I never would have guessed. (looking at college girl 3) do you say anything
College Girl 3: No
Me: Good mouths should be open for only one thing.
College Girl 1: CUNT!!
Dirty: (snorting with laughter)

The girls leave.

So far so good, I'm thinking Tucker would be proud, but I'm no longer out to mimic him, I'm out to top him in my debauchery and evilness.

After a few more drinks we decide to leave, the testosterone that's looking to pump it's spoogejizzacum into the college girls and giving us the evil eye and a bar fight was not on my to do list... tonight at least.

We jump in a cab and tell the driver to take us to a bar with loose ethics and my god did he deliver.

I didn't catch a name going in if the last place was a hole in the wall this was a microcosm of lost in life drinkers, on first look we saw two old farmer type guys bellied up to the bar and were about to leave when my eyes lock on the perfect target.

She was sitting at a back table watching a few people play  pool and nursing a beer like it was a terminally ill cancer patient, jack pot.

We order a couple of drinks and saunter over to her and just sit down. She looks at us a little funny but doesn't say anything about it. we banter back and forth for about 5 minutes and she smiles a bit at our conversation.

We decided to finally break the ice with her, after quick introductions we find out her name but for this story we shall call her unfortunate victim or UV for short.

After several drinks and thanks to several apparent daddy issues she agrees to join us both at our hotel room. We catch a cab and continue to chit chat about random things. After about 20 minutes we got to the hotel and proceed to our room.

Once in there she joins me on the bed and Dirty lays behind her rubbing her back, almost on cue I break from the kiss and look at Dirty. He then asks her the most crucial question of this little plan.

"So did you even tell anyone where you are?"

We never saw her make a call or send a text so we were under the assumption of the answer and we were right.

She shook her head looking at Dirty and I, he smiles, this was my cue for the next part.

"Hold on, let me get the machete."

All of the items (minus the ice in the bathtub) were laid out on the table, she gave them a cautious look but nothing more.

Now at this point we expected her to leap from the bed and run like mad but what happened next really made us evaluate our existence. She quietly accepted her fate and began to silently cry.

It was at this point we realized what we really had done and that it really was not as funny as we expected, at least with a freak out we could laugh and she'd call us assholes end of story but we hadn't planned on someone so down on their own lives that she would simply let two strangers hack her up in a hotel room.

We explained it was a joke, everything was props and we would be happy to take her back to the bar, she accepted and we grabbed yet another cab dropped her off at the bar and hauled ass out of there.

Needless to say our attempt failed and we stuck to  what we knew, lots of drinking and picking on each other.