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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The sub-sub dynamic, letters from a sub-sub relationship. Pt. 1

This was a testimonial written by my friend, and future sister-in-law. I hope it can shed more light than I have on the complications they have endured of a sub-sub relationship.

"Since the journey of further immersing myself within the BDSM community, I have continued to feel overwhelmed. Whether it be just the labels, and trying to define myself within them, I have felt like the new kid in school mid-way through the school year. I have a bad habit of just throwing myself head long into new things, and have never had any trouble with grasping everything fairly soon and feeling like I've conquered everything within a week.

Not this time!...

My best friend of 8ish years, and my lover, have both previously invested ourselves in unhealthy relationships with Mistresses that were not trained, there of, we were never truly trained. This has caused a struggle even within our traditional relationship; a struggle of power and will in some ways. When we came to be again in our vanilla relationship, of course everything was new again. We reconnected and everything seemed pretty damn spiffy. And then the needs came. We didn't realize it at first, but it was eventually addressed. We were missing something from the relationship, and found that missing piece to be that we needed to be at least dominated in the bedroom. Ok, so that didn't seem so hard. We just figured that we would play around, no rules defined, no labels needed, it just seemed that it was a bedroom issue.

This is where I explain my problems with this. She had much more of a dominant personality whilst in the bedroom and I found it intimidating. I wanted to be able to maintain a switch in roles in the bedroom, but then happened and I discovered within myself that what I really wanted needed to be a submissive/slave/pet again. The need was too great to, in my mind, even try to continue to work on being more dominant in play sessions. We talked about the fact that we both had too much of the sub attitude within us, sought advice from other persons, and eventually, I feel she was pushed into the role of being dominant to me. But me being the selfish person I can be, I was just ecstatic to be collared by her. It was bliss. Then comes the downfall of everything. She did state at one time that it took pushing her to type up and print off a rules sheet for me. All of this came with bad feelings on my side. Any other Master or Mistress would most definitely not take my pushing and pushing for everything so quickly lightly. As we had a traditional relationship to nurture, this put a great deal of strain on both of us. Also, with the holidays and traveling, it did not help the situation as a whole.

I demanded too much of her, all in all. I expected the same things from her (even with her inexperience of ever being a Top to anyone) that I would have expected from my previous Mistress. I needed everyday rules and punishments to be established immediately. I expected her to punishment me when I pushed too much. I expected her to jump into the role overnight, and we had decided we wanted a 24/7 M/s relationship. This, obviously, did not work out. I topped from the bottom so to say. It's not to say she did not do her best to take on the role of my Dominant, but we found very quickly that it was hard for her. Case in point, I forgot my place fairly quickly online and through text and was punished. I was to write an essay on why respect and restraint was important when talking to her in any way. Being newish into having a defined structure, I was very upset about my assignment. I even cried out of frustration in front of her and that is where everything kind of crumbled. She stated that it was hard for her not to just be herself and comfort me. It was hard for her to maintain the strict level of being Dominant to me when all she wanted to do was hold me and I believe she had said, “Take away the assignment.” Don't quote me on that one though. On the drive to visit the families, we talked a lot about how to handle situations like that, and I found that I was dictating more of how she should respond to me and had a lot of thoughts that maybe I could practice what I was preaching. I didn't mention it then though.

The holidays happened, I continued to serve her and be the good pet that was expected of me. Yay... food, presents, family, and good friends.
And then we came back home. We had a play session that ended in far too many questions for either of us to process. I had been entertaining the thought of being her Mistress all the previous weekend and I finally expressed it verbally. To say the least, I confused the fuck out of her. She had tasted a lot of it, and felt she couldn't let go of some parts, it seemed to me. I left the room, and soon after she came out to the living room, holding the collar, and asking that I collar her.

This is where it gets interesting though. I have never desired to be a Mistress or Owner of anyone. I think I've always felt I did not have the courage be the person they needed. And even now, I feel like even more pressure is put on me just because of adding this relationship on top of the traditional relationship. I think sometimes that maybe my ability to see things as only black and white could be good in the future should I even be trained and comfortable enough with taking on a house sub, but -this- relationship could fall through altogether if I am not careful and learn to recognize that a grey area is not a bad thing.

I can say it has truly been a journey for us both. We have went from sub/sub to “switch in the bedroom” to M/s on both sides. I think we have found where we feel comfortable for the moment, but only time can tell if this is the right fit with us. I feel that there is too much pressure out there to define yourself within the community right now, at least for people like me. As much as I want to say, “FUCK YOUR RULES!”, too much of me needs to have some type of defining role and a code, so to say. It's the structure, I need it too much.

So in closing:

Tool to the alternative society? Possibly. New kid in school trying to hard syndrome.
Her Mistress? Well, I'm damn well trying.
Her best friend and lover? Always, and that comes before any relationship as defined by the community."

Does anyone have any advice, comments, and/or experience in this type of situation?

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