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Monday, January 3, 2011

Relationships 2: The sub-sub dynamic.

 **EDITED: This has been edited from it's original form for additional clarity. I still use Dominant as a noun, as it has caused much confusion recently, but I'll be honest, I don't really care. If you can't understand my meaning, I'm sorry.**

Recently my sister asked me to write my thoughts of the sub-sub dynamic in relationships and the issues that can arise.

I've put a lot of thought into this and without great conclusions, I'm hoping as I write this I will have an epiphany.

I'd like to start with a quote from A.M. Benis about the submissive personality:

In these types the trait A is profoundly suppressed, so that whatever the circumstances they tend not exhibit aggressive behavior in social situations. They can exhibit the aggressive A-rage, but this is very rare. Compliant submissive types typically tend to be very introverted and seek a life style involving little responsibility and much protection. Sexually promiscuous individuals are very vulnerable and have a strong tendency to masochistic behavior.

While I believe there is a larger range for this personality type (I'm sure Bines does too), it gives us a starting point...

So, what we can draw from this is that the submissive side seeks guidance and protection, and perhaps even vindication for their actions. This not not a bad thing, just a statement of thought.

I couldn't find anything that fit for the Dominant personality, so I will try my hand at it.

The personality of a Dominate is one of natural command presence in which people feel naturally safe and comfortable with the individual. A person who is naturally Dominant will inherently take charge in a room or situation. I read an article on in which they state that opposites attract in relationship to create a more whole unit. I partially agree with this in that most people will seek a means in which to improve their own flaws or short comings. If you continue reading you will notice a section titled "Birds of a feather" in which we seek out those that we agree with and have parallel views for our friendships and partnerships.

As if romance wasn't hard enough, let's put another little cog in the mechanics of a D/s relationship.

In the D/s lifestyle, we simplify and complicate things all at once; because we are sadistic like that. We simplify things by displaying clearly our personality traits and desires with fairly simple labels, the most common being Dom and sub. Granted, and before I get beaten :), there are more levels and complexities. Though, for simplicity, we shall stay with these two.

In a D/s relationship it seems to be complicated for vanilla's to understand our level of intimacy without being intimate all the the time. For those that don't know what I mean by this is, it is very common to be a Dominate with multiple subs and have the highest level of care and affection for each of them without ever crossing into what would normally be considered a domestic or physically intimate type of relationship.

A lot of Doms will not get into a romantic relationship with their subs as to avoid over-attachment and complications.

The attraction felt is not always one of physical desire, but of mental and emotional fulfillment which is expressed by placating what are normally considered "strange" desires which can be attributed to personality types.

What I mean by that is when someone enters into service to another as a sub, they are seeking that guidance and fulfillment that they do not get in other aspects of their life. So taking what we know thus far about a vanilla relationship and D/s relationship, one can start to form an opinion on the sub-sub relationship specifically.

Examining the sub personality, we see someone who desires direction and protection. They get this from a Dom, Master, or Mistress and this acts as a counter balance to aide them in their everyday life, which includes possible relationships.

When that balance is absent, it is much like a small ship on the ocean; there will be an increased chance of capsizing. but that doesn't necessarily mean it will.
I may be wrong in this, but I personally have not seen alot of sub-sub relationships in which neither of them has a Dom.

The ability of the couple to stay together will depend upon the fulfillment felt in other aspects of their life. The best recommendation is to find a Dom willing to take them on, or for one to fill the role of Dom and periodically switch off so as to satisfy all parties involved.

I guess this was just a lot of rambling, but if anyone has any better ideas or experiences please post them below.

****Disclaimer, I am not a therapist. These are just my personal thoughts and views, following my advice is not guaranteed to make your relationship work. Hell, it might even make it worse, but if your relationship sucks already then you might as well make the explosion something amazing to watch. I suggest breaking up at Denny's.****

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